Chronic Illness Energy Cycle
OH LORD THIS^^^^
Day 2 of sleep 2 hours, up 2-3. Rinse and repeat.
Fucked up thing is I saw a new pdoc last week and she gave me fuck all (a “mild sleeping pill” after I told her I needed something like an elephant tranq to knock my ass out). WHY WON’T THEY LISTEN TO ME? Anyway I see her Wednesday and she better fucking listen or I’m holding her hostage until she gives me something heavy duty, because I think by that point I’m going to be delirious with rage.
To everyone out there who has had a day, or days, or years like this, truly congratulations on all of your victories.
I need this taped to my wall.
My grandma just died. Delta told me I’d need some sort of identification that the ADA does NOT require Service Dogs to have. THIS IS BULLSHIT. Hopefully American will be better, I mean I *have* flown with them before.
So I don’t want to depend on my xanax, but it’s been a month now that I’ve been taking 2 mg to sleep and I don’t want to become dependant on it and fuck it maybe a bottle of wine will put me down b/c some cider didn’t and 650 mL of 10% beer didn’t. I DON’T WANT TO BECOME A XANAX ADDICT AND I DON’T WANT IT TO STOP WORKING. I need ot for my bonafide anxiety attacks.
Fuck. I see my new pdoc on the 15th. Maybe they’ll actually decide my insomnia (didn’t sleep until I took my 2nd xanax at 5am this morning and passed out at 6am) is a REAL FUCKING PROBLEM.
This is the greatest thing I have ever seen. People do not understand that mental illnesses, such as depression, are actual chemical imbalances in your body. They are not brought on by choice. My dad was diagnosed with depression. He was so ashamed of it that he hid it from me and my brothers. A month later, he killed himself. The stigma that comes with mental illness made my Dad embarrassed to talk to his own kids about this problem because he felt like less of a man.
Erase the stigma. The more we talk about mental illness, the less likely it will end in suicide.
I’m fucking tired of seeing jokes made about Bipolar disorder. “I hate having Bipolar disorder, its so awesome!” Seriously? That’s not what being Bipolar is. Just because you’re happy one second and sad the next doesn’t give you the right to say things like “omgeee! I’m so Bipolar!” You wouldn’t be saying that shit if you had it. I have Bipolar disorder and its a fucking nightmare. Being so depressed you’re on the verge of ending it when you bounce right up and get your hopes high. But then in a few weeks, or days, or months, you get slammed back down again. And also getting your hopes up, thinking you’re cured, when its really just hypomania. Do you even fucking know what mania is? Just please, PLEASE, at least TRY to learn a few facts about it before you tell the whole fucking world how “Bipolar” you are. It doesn’t mean you fucking change your mind a lot. It doesn’t mean you’re moody. It doesn’t mean you cry at happy things. Its a fucking chemical imbalance and people with it have a hard enough fucking time without trying to ignore shitheads like people who make shithead comments.